Eurovision Song Contest 2018: 1st Semi-Final (presentation)

As is our grand tradition (translation: we've only done it twice before), this week we'll deal with the gayest song contest of them all, the Eurovision Song Contest. We'll start today by presenting the songs from the first semi-final, which will take place tonight, as well as three of the six countries that proceed straight to the final. Let's go!

Opening the semi-final will be Azerbaijan. The competing artist is a young dark-haired woman called Aisel and her song is called X My Heart. It's a pleasantly forgettable song that will struggle to get through to the final but probably won't.

Next up is Iceland, which is represented by an earnest-looking young man called Ari Ólafsson, singing Our Choice. It's a kumbaya-type old-fashioned song with a "Heal The World" message. I don't desire to see Ari sad, but I'm afraid that his chances to go to the final are very slim indeed...

Albania follows with an arty b&w video, which for some reason includes a lot of running and people looking at each other longingly. Eugent Bushpepa sings Mall, which sounds like a Bon Jovi reject and will probably not progress any further. Sorry, Albania, maybe next time...

The first interesting song will appear fourth: it's the song by a woman with a captivating voice, called Sennek, representing Belgium. The song, A Matter Of Time, wouldn't feel out of place in a James Bond movie - and I believe that it will go through to the final.

The singer for the Czech Republic is a sexy young man called Mikolas Josef and his offering is Lie To Me. A song written from the perspective of a man who is two-timed by his girlfriend, it originally included some fairly graphic euphemisms. Some of the lyrics are below:

"When the beat dropped she dropped
Dropped it like its hot and now without a
Second thought she got me doing what I'm not
Then it got heavy
Mom I'm feeling home already but steady
Plenty motherf**kers wanna eat my spaghetti

"Then she got one of my friends
She got him dripping on wood
I know it hurt so bad but it feels so good
Quit sweet talking me now baby I don't give a f**k you
Should have thought about me before you f**ked him at the club

"I know you 'bop-whop-a-lu bop' on his wood bamboo when
You were still seeing me and well he didn't even knew hmmm…
But god damn it come and count to three now sit down GGY I’m on fire
Come and lie to me"

Meanwhile, the lyrics have changed, dropping the f-bombs, but it's still an edgy song for Eurovision standards. It also feels relatively contemporary, giving out a Justin Timberlake-esque vibe. Also, the fact that the singer is a hottie (see photo above) won't certainly hurt the song's chances. Expect to surely see it in the final.

It's now Lithuania's turn: we find another pleasant-looking girl with an interesting voice, Ieva Zasimauskaitė, who sings When We're Old, a song with an indie vibe, reminiscent of Alanis Morissette's quieter moments. It will probably make it to the final.

Then comes what is widely considered as the favorite to win the contest: Israel's entry, Toy, sung by Netta. The song is a feminist anthem which declares: "I'm not your toy, you stupid boy!" Netta uses vocal tricks aplenty, distancing herself from the smooth vocals of other countries.

Netta Barzilai is a mix of Beth Ditto, M.I.A. and Björk - three artists with huge gay followings. Groups of gay fans are in the background supporting her. English bookies are ranking her song as highly likely to come in first. But haters are also flooding social networks with fat-shaming remarks. Their hate is reminiscent of the comments Conchita Wurst and Dana International faced, and we all know how successfully their songs ended up.

Next comes Belarus: a cutie called Alekseev sings the song Forever. It's not a bad song - and his voice is pleasant enough. If his performance on the semi-final catches fire, then he could proceed to the final.

Then comes another of the favorites, the Estonian entry, La Forza, sung by attractive Elina Nechayeva. It's this year's opera-influenced song, complete with high notes and vocal trills and a skirt that covers the whole stage. It's one of these songs that will be remembered when voting time comes around. It will make it to the final.

Bulgaria's next. Equinox is singing a song called Bones. The song has a contemporary feel and the harmonies are good. If they don't screw up on the semi-final, they will move on to the final.

A neighbor of Bulgaria's follows: FYR Macedonia and Eye Cue with the song Lost And Found. It's not bad, but it's nothing that we haven't heard a hundred times before, but better. I don't see it progressing any further.

Another former Yugoslavian republic follows: it's Croatia. The singer is Franka and the song is Crazy. The video presentation is reminiscent of a modern interpretation of a Greek tragedy. Once again, neither the singer nor the song is bad, but it's the same as so many others - and by now, the voting public's ears will be saturated with similar sounding songs. Which means they won't vote for it.

Austria follows. Cesár Sampson, also known as the Austrian Drake, sings Nobody But You. A pleasant sounding R&B ballad, it has a good chance to make it to the final, but it's by no means a sure bet. It will greatly depend on the performance at the semi-final.

Now is the turn of my country of residence, Greece. Yianna Terzi has a warm voice and the song is called Oneiro Mou (My Dream). The song is in Greek and has an ethnic feel, which could be dangerous, by alienating the voters, or beneficial, if the song stands out in a positive way. My prediction: it will proceed to the final.

Finland's entry, Monsters, is sung by the singer with the highest visibility in the contest this year: Saara Aalto took part in the British X Factor last year - and came third. Also, she's openly lesbian. She has queer boys galore wearing leather and makeup in her music video for Monsters.

Saara said in a recent interview that Monsters is about "living life as you want, finding your strength, being brave as who you are and not being afraid to show it." She has a huge fanbase at home in Finland, in the UK, and also gay fans all over Europe. She will make it to the final. After that, we'll see...

Armenia also chose to go the ethnic route with Qami, which is sung in Armenian by Sevak Khanagyan. I don't think it works very well - and I'm afraid that it won't make it to the final.

Switzerland also seems not destined to make it to the final. It is represented by ZiBBZ and the song is called Stones, a pop song that reminds us of so many contemporary hits, that it eventually becomes boring.

Then comes the song with the cutest video of all, Ireland's Together, sung by Ryan O'Shaughnessy. The video shows a gay couple, hand in hand in romantic walks, looking adorable. Ryan O'Shaughnessy, who made it to the final of Britain's Got Talent in Series 6, has a warm, melodious voice and the love ballad is just fine. He's also a cute boy. Here's his photo:

The oddsmakers predict that Ireland won't make it to the final, but I'd like to hope that it will. We'll know in less than 24 hours...

The final song of the first semi-final comes from the country that I spent a lot of my childhood in: Cyprus. Eleni Foureira has been compared to Beyoncé. It's an exaggerated comparison, to be sure, and a bit of a sacrilege, but the truth is that the singer is impressive and the song, Fuego, has so far met with positive response. I think that it will make the final - and has a (small) chance to best Cyprus' peak position in the contest, #5 (in two occasions).

To recap, I think that the following countries will make it to the final: Israel, Estonia, Czech Republic, Cyprus, Bulgaria, Finland, Belgium, Greece, Lithuania, and Austria. Belarus and Ireland also stand a chance.

There are six countries that go straight to the final, without competing in the semi-finals. They are the host country and the "Big Five", which are the United Kingdom, France, Italy, Germany, and Spain. I'll present three of these songs today.

We'll begin with the host country, Portugal. Pink-haired Cláudia Pascoal sings a ballad in Portuguese, called O Jardim. I like the song, but the bookmakers don't think too highly of it. I hope that it does better than predicted.

The United Kingdom presents singer-songwriter Surie and a song called Storms. It is a straightforward pop tune which builds into an anthemic chorus. It's good, but I don't know if it's good enough to overcome the negative mood that the rest of Europe have toward the United Kingdom. The bookmakers don't seem to think so...

Finally, for today, a song that is tipped to do very well in the final. It is considered a top 5 song. It's the French entry by Madame Monsieur called Mercy. It is a vocally rich and sophisticated slow-burner that will appeal to the committees and the voters alike. A good performance could push it all the way to the top 3.

That's it for today. Next up, you'll have my impressions of the first semi-final. Goodbye for now!