Cidny (Cindy Bullens)

Transgender rights have been in the spotlight recently - and rightly so. Even at a snail's pace, even with two-steps-forward-one-step-back (I reversed the saying because I do believe some progress is being made), more people are realizing that for a person to have fewer civil rights because of their gender, race, sexual identity, socioeconomic class, or religion is not only grievous for the person in question, but for all of us. As John Donne has written, all the way back in 1624:

No man is an island,
Entire of itself.
Each is a piece of the continent,
A part of the main.
If a clod be washed away by the sea,
Europe is the less.
As well as if a promontory were.
As well as if a manor of thine own
Or of thine friend's were.
Each man's death diminishes me,
For I am involved in mankind.
Therefore, send not to know
For whom the bell tolls,
It tolls for thee.

Today's artist is female-to-male transgender and is very eloquent about it. He used to be known as Cindy Bullens - his name is now Cidny. This is his story.

Cidny Bullens was born on March 21, 1955, in Massachusetts, US. In 1964 the Bullens family moved to Los Angeles. In the mid-70s, Cidny's personality and ability as a singer were recognized early on. He was "hanging out with famous people at famous places." In 1974, not yet twenty, Cidny sang background vocals on Gene Clark's (formerly of the Byrds) great album, No Other. This is Silver Raven:

In an altogether different musical style, Cidny was one of the Sex-O-Lettes on the debut album by Disco-Tex and the Sex-O-Lettes. The group also included Kenny Nolan, Bob Crew (the Four Seasons), and Sir Monti Rock III. Their song Get Dancin was a huge pop and disco hit. By the way, a reminder that next week we will begin telling the story of disco music. Be sure to join us.

Bullens sang background vocals on some massive hits; she accompanied Rod Stewart on the album Atlantic Crossing. Sailing may not be very well known in the US, but it's one of the biggest hits of all-time in the UK.

Once Cidny crashed a party and "meeting Elton John…. Two days later I was on the road with him!" He also sang background vocals on one of the biggest hits of 1976: Elton John's duet with Kiki Dee, Don't Go Breaking My Heart.

Bullens also sang background vocals on Elton's album, Blue Moves. This beautiful song is Tonight:

The background vocals are more prominent on this song, the album's big hit, Sorry Seems To Be The Hardest Word:

Bullens provided vocals on three songs (It's Raining on Prom Night, Mooning, and Freddy, My Love) on the soundtrack of the super successful 1977 film, Grease. Here's Freddy, My Love:

This is It's Raining on Prom Night:

Bullens’ 1978 debut album, Desire Wire, is described by William Ruhlmann for AllMusic as: "One of the great lost rock albums of the 1970s, Bullens' debut release is full of tough, passionate, incredibly catchy rock & roll played to the hilt and sung with fire". An album, inspired by the sound of Suzi Quatro, which anticipated later work by a host of 1980s female rock artists, from Pat Benatar, to Blondie, to the Go-Go's, to the Headpins.

The opening track is called Survivor:

This is the title track:

This is High School History:

... And this is Anxious Heart:

Bullens exhibited an unfortunate talent for hooking up with record companies that were on the way out, starting with United Artists (Desire Wire) and continuing with the classic 70s boom-and-bust label, Casablanca, a year later. The album was called Steal The Night and unfortunately, this too was not properly promoted in order to become a hit. Though not quite as impressive as her debut, it was another good record full of high-energy guitar-based pop-rock. This is Trust Me:

This is Too Close To Home:

... And this is Full Tilt Rocker:

To promote Steal The Night, Bullens gave an interview to Dick Clark for American Bandstand in 1980. Here it is:

In the 80s, Bullens took time off to raise her children, returning in 1989 with her third shot at stardom, supported by some high-quality help: Bob Clearmountain, one of the top rock & roll producers/mixers of the day, was behind the board and multi-instrumentalist David Mansfield (of the Rolling Thunder Revue and The Alpha Band) was leading the musicians. Unfortunately, this self-named album also failed to become a hit. It opens with Breakin' The Chain:

I especially like Fight For Me:

This is also very good; it's called Letters Of Fire:

In the 90s, she had success in Nashville, writing with some of country’s hottest songwriters including Matraca Berg, Radney Foster, Kye Fleming, Mary Ann Kennedy, Al Anderson, and Bill Lloyd - including the 1994 country hit Hammer and Nails written with and recorded by Radney Foster.

In 1994 Cidny released the self-produced Why Not? which did little to help establish him as a household name. I couldn't find any of the album's tracks on youtube, so, moving on...

At this point, I will hand the mic back to CB and listen what he had to say in 2012 when he came out as transgender:

I’ve sung on stages for thousands of people, been nominated for Grammy awards, and given birth to two beautiful daughters, one of whom I tragically lost. But now, after months and indeed years of thought, consideration, and soul-searching, I have come to a very significant landmark in my life.

Over the years, I have contemplated many times if and how I would talk publicly about the fact that I have always thought of myself as “a man in a woman’s body” and that I have never identified fully - or honestly, at all - with being a female. It’s never been a secret, and for many, it may have seemed evident, but I have also never forced the topic on anyone. Now I feel I must claim my reality: I am “coming out” and acknowledging myself publicly as transgender.

I have close and cherished female friends, with whom I share precious and intimate moments. I have deep, affectionate relationships with my male friends. I was married for 22 years. I have immense gratitude for the ultimate opportunity to have physically and naturally birthed my two children and been a mother. All of that notwithstanding - I have never felt like a woman.

This fact is not something I recently uncovered from the depths of my psyche. This is a fact that I have known from my first conscious thoughts and memories and I’ve lived with it every single moment since. I knew I was a boy before age 4 and was terribly confused - and later horrified in puberty - knowing that I had been “born wrong,” as my mother would say.

As a young child, I prayed every night for years that I would wake up in the right body. I raged against being female as a teen and young adult, turning to drugs and alcohol and staying clear of sexual encounters with both men and women. I researched everything I could about a “sex change” in the early 1970s. There wasn’t much info or support back then, and I abandoned the idea. I lived as a woman but presented as masculine as I could to feel somewhat comfortable in my own skin.

I was fortunate as a young musician to have had the opportunity to work with such greats as Elton John, who hired me to sing background vocals on his Rock of the Westies tour in 1975. I went on to do two more tours with Elton and sang background vocals on his hit single Don’t Go Breakin' My Heart, and we remain good friends today. I also was in on the early days of Bob Dylan's legendary Rolling Thunder Revue and worked with producer and songwriter Bob Crewe (think Jersey Boys), who showed me the inner workings of recording and the music business itself.

My musical career went on from there. I sang on the Grease movie soundtrack and released two solo albums, garnering two Grammy nominations, before bowing out of the business for what turned out to be a decade to raise a family.

I got married in late 1979 and had two children. As I got older, I became less eager to feel like an outcast and toned down my attempts at being masculine (some would chuckle at this assertion), wanting to fit in more socially for my kids as they grew up. But of course, that didn’t change the way I felt. My (ex) husband was well aware of my feelings before and all through our marriage and never questioned their validity. We just dealt with it.

As soon as my daughter Reid was of age, and I felt it was appropriate, I revealed my story to her. She didn’t flinch. She had, since puberty, railed at me and questioned why she didn't have a normal mother who could show her how to put on makeup, who she could share jewelry with, and who wouldn't just sit in the man chair at Victoria's Secret while she shopped.

So now here I am in 2012. Reid recently turned 30 and has a family of her own. My younger daughter, Jessie, has been gone for 16 years - she died at age 11 from cancer in 1996 - and I’ve been single for a long time. My 1999 album, Somewhere Between Heaven and Earth - 10 songs written from the depths of my grief in the first two years after Jessie’s death - ironically put me back on the map as a singer, songwriter, and performer. I’ve been working, both in my career and for charity, ever since, writing songs, recording several more albums and performing regularly.

All of this has given me time, space, and opportunity - the chance to look deep inside and acknowledge who I really am. I've had incredible opportunities and experiences both creatively and to be of service in the world. And at my age, I've passed the point of living my life - the rest of my life - for anyone else. So I am now free and feel free, to explore what has been my reality for over 50 years.

Being transgender simply means that your brain says you are the opposite sex of what your body physically is. It is not the same as being gay or lesbian - it’s not about sexual attraction. Most people just know their own gender, without question. I’m a girl or woman. I’m a boy or man. You don't think about it for a second. You just know.

For those of us who live across the gender divide, reality is very different. We can't reconcile the two. And that's pretty damn serious when society says we must. I've managed a “workaround” and done pretty well. As I have mentioned, I have no regrets. But it's ultimately not the truth. And if I have tried to do anything in my life, it's to be authentic and tell the truth.

What I do about all this, I'm not entirely sure. I have been in therapy for quite some time now with one of the top gender therapists in New England. In addition, I have two knowledgeable physicians with whom I have confided and consulted. I have also spent a long time now researching gender issues and dynamics from all aspects: medical, physiological, psychological, emotional, and social. Never in my wildest dreams did I imagine the wealth of information that is now available and amount of study that has been done on this subject in the past 30 years.

Still, there are so many questions. How should I be addressed or introduced? Will I be “she” or “he,” “him” or “her”? I'm not sure when or how that will happen. It will come when and if it feels right to me. Unfortunately, the world's perception of gender is binary: That there are only two genders. For me and millions of others who fall somewhere in between, this binary system just doesn't work.

What about my career? My work? My music? Will I be able to continue singing and performing? Will anyone book me to perform? Will I be publicly ridiculed or shunned? The answer to all is that I don't know. What I do know is that my need to feel right and at peace with myself now is more important than my career. Doors will surely close; my hope is that others will open.

Let me say clearly: this is not about me now wanting to suddenly "be a man" (think of me stating this emphatically and somewhat comically with a low voice). Will I dress more in more "manly" clothes? Walk with a more masculine gait? I'm not sure that's possible. At my age and with my life experience, I have become comfortable with who I am on the inside, spiritually and emotionally. I'm just me. This is, again, about me claiming who and what I am - with honesty and integrity. That's it.

Though the timing is purely coincidental in terms of me, the recent transition of Chaz Bono from female to male has brought the issue of being transgendered further out in the open than it has ever been. His courage, honesty, and openness have thankfully created a broader awareness of this condition, sparking more curiosity and deeper conversation. And despite the inevitable hate and fear that comes with anything of this nature, that's all good. Though our stories and processes (and outcomes) may be very different, I hope to follow in his footsteps and advocate for others like us.

I know that my "revelation" may bring more questions than answers for some people. What I want to say loud and clear in this essay is that, no matter what, who I am and who I've been in this world and in my life will never change! I have the same heart, the same soul, the same personality, the same passions, desire, talent, quirks, shortcomings, the same past experiences, and the same LOVE as always.

Members of my family and friends with whom I've spoken about this have asked me first about my daughter Reid's feelings. Reid was the first person to whom I confided my thoughts about this transition, last year when I realized that I finally had to face my own core issue. She immediately encouraged me, with tenderness and love, to follow my heart, and we agreed that I should seek professional counsel. She told me she would support me through whatever scenario unfolded. With all she has been through in her life, her compassion and understanding go way beyond her years and she never ceases to amaze and impress me. Our discussions continue. I will always be her (and Jessie's) mother.

My ex-husband Dan [Crewe, brother of songwriter/producer Bob Crewe] (to whom I am very close), my siblings, and a few other close friends and relatives are processing all this in their own personal ways and in their own time, but are also supportive and care only about my ultimate happiness.

I've been encouraged all my life to try to "explore my feminine side," and I've done that to the best of my ability. Now it's time for me to explore my masculine side. This experience is for me. Am I now somehow going to negate, ignore, reject, or forget all that I've learned, lived and experienced as a female? Absolutely not! I believe I was put on this earth, in this life, to experience all that I have, as a woman. And as challenging as it's been, I wouldn't trade a minute of it. It's just time for me to fully be my authentic self.

Since the album Somewhere Between Heaven and Earth, written after the tragic death of young Jessie, is mentioned here I think it should be presented now. The heart-rendered requiem for Bullens' young daughter who died of cancer in 1996 is largely about hope for the living. Bryan Adams helps out on the title track:

Bonnie Raitt and Beth Nielsen Chapman sing along on the soulful anthem Gotta Believe in Something. This is a recent, live performance of the song:

This is In Better Hands:

This is a recent, live performance of Boxing With God:

This is Better Than I've Ever Been:

This is As Long as You Love (Scarlett Wings):

Bullens has never sounded better than on this album. It won the AFIM Best Rock Album in 2000 and was widely acclaimed by music critics.

The next album appeared in 2001; Neverland is a strong singer/songwriter album that rocks with heart and class. With a throaty, defiant voice, the singer delivers a consistently convincing performance digging into a set of songs that connect musically and emotionally. This is the title track:

This is Long Way Down (I Liked Falling):

... And this is Sensible Shoes:

Bullens is a survivor who has matured over her sporadic 30-year career, and on Neverland is releasing the best music of her life. Brimming with musical honesty and emotional sincerity, it's is a sober but often thrilling album of moving songs performed with a rugged passion that could only be recorded by someone who has been there and done that.

In 2005 came Dream #29. It's a bit tougher-edged than her last few albums. Her dark, husky voice has become even more expressive as she veers toward Lucinda Williams territory, at least vocally. Elton John, for whom Bullens used to sing background vocals, contributes high-profile boogie-woogie piano to the title track, a tune that shades a little too closely to Bowie's The Jean Genie in terms of its bumpy rhythm but succeeds nonetheless.

Jellico Highway takes listeners on a moody, swampy ride:

This is a later, live version of 7 Days:

A live record was released in 2006. Cidny's latest solo studio album was released in 2010 and is called Howling Trains and Barking Dogs. Though there are two new compositions, Bullens wrote the bulk of this material between 1990 to 1995, at a time when she was not as active performing, but took an inspirational trip to Nashville from her Portland, ME home. Some 20 years later, these songs see new life, as Bullens and her band rock them out. Some country creeps into the equation, but it's mostly a steady stream of 4/4 beats and attitude that drives Bullens's solid, soulful voice and electric and acoustic guitars, mandolin, or harmonica. This is Can't Stop This Train:

This is In a Perfect World:

This is Let Jesus Do The Talking:

... And this is the lovely Good at Being Gone:

Meanwhile, in 2007, Bullens formed a new group, The Refugees, with music veterans Wendy Waldman and Deborah Holland. Their first CD, Unbound, was released in January 2009. This is Stickin' with My Baby's Love:

This is Unbound:

... And this is I Gotta Believe in Something:

Their second album came out in 2011 and was simply called Three. From this album, here's January Sky:

Cidny is now performing his one person show Somewhere Between: Not An Ordinary Life, which premiered in Santa Fe, New Mexico in February of 2016. Nashville Scene voted it to be the "Best One-Person Show of 2016." The show has since been performed in New York, Nashville, and Maine twice in 2016. Albuquerque, NM, and Santa Fe again in January and February of 2017... with upcoming shows in Los Angeles, CA, Austin, TX, Newburyport, MA, Portland, ME, Anchorage, AK. Cidny continues to book the show wherever and whenever possible.

"The show is clearly more complicated than a one-woman or one-man show," Bullens struggled to explain. "It is the story of a transgender person, but it's more than that, which is why it's a one-wo/man show." Bullens may have transitioned as a man, but likewise, he said, "I can never not be a grandmother or a mother, so it's complicated. It's not a show about my transition, it's not about my two-time Grammy-nominee status, it's not about the birth of my children and the death of my child, which is the defining moment of my life. It's a show about all of it because they are all me, they are all my life."